I think my fart just growled at me.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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