the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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