dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
