I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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