We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
