You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
