Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Randomize
