I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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