Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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