I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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