how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
