just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
