I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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