Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
