why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize