I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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