omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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