Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
