The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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