Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
