Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Randomize
