I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
