I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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