By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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