did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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