I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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