i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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