fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
