What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
