Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
