Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
