I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
