I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
