you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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