A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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