Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
