i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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