There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
