My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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