Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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