I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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