there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
