i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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