so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize