things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
