alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
