She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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