My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
