grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Did I show you my penis last night?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
