I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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