literally had 100 drinks last night.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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