Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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