I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
