WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
