guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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