and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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