You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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