i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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