At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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