We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just pee around me
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
