If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
