even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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