I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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