Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dick very happy bro
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
