We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
